I often used to wonder what sort of process was going on up there. How would a spirit choose a couple to come through into babyhood on this planet? Its all a bit overwhelming and demands leaps of faith or fantasy to understand from that perspective. What sort of process could there be?
It was about ten years ago, when I found myself in a new relationship that I began to feel there was a presence with us. It wasn’t either of us, but it was definitely there as the combination of us.
As we navigated the tumultuous seas of those first weeks of love, it became slightly more clear as we developed a complicity between us, that this was a preparation for a third entity to arrive. In a way it was like our spiritual baby, and we called it Complicity.
We quickly developed the ‘us’, and it began to take a view of the world around it. In fact it developed a view of anything other than itself, and in a hidden way began a journey into blindness.
I look back on the simplicity of this understanding with compassion for myself now, as I was not aware at the time how easy it was for the ‘us’ to isolate itself from the world. As a couple we developed a common view about many things. Perhaps the most influential was that the ‘them’ outside the relationship could easily threaten the delicacy and sensitivity of the ‘us’ inside it.
Complicity began to take a form of its own, insecure and troubled in its nature. At the time I didn’t even notice it – I remember writing about it as the unborn child taking an ethereal form in order to create the passage for the incarnation of the baby we both wanted together. Yet it was never given a voice, and this entity only ever presented a vibration of insecurity. I was aware of it only when it felt danger. I wanted to protect it, thinking it was the specialness of our relationship, and that it needed our support. But that quickly changed into feelings of judging my partner if I thought she wasn’t honoring its need.
Complicity, with time, proved to be a slippery slope into co-dependence. My awareness of it become distorted and it loomed all the time, always on the side of a negative concern. I had hoped it would be a comfort to us, a place inside that would seem like being in front of a fireplace on a winter’s afternoon, but that’s not the way it turned out.
It was several years before I realized that the issue of complicity had become the measure of our closeness, and that within it I had completely lost my own awareness of self. We had become a moulded ego, and I was unable to represent myself as an individual anymore. Every thought process had become entangled with this entity we had co-created, and its thirst was relentless. Eventually, after depleting my emotional self, my physical body began to fade, and I descended into symptoms that were so strong that I had to reevaluate everything. I became weak and helpless, reduced to the needs of a baby. I had to accept care from friends that was difficult to receive, and I had to learn to say no to those who wanted my help and support.
I was completely out of resources, and the journey back to health and strength has taken one and a half years since. Since what? Since I jerkily extracted myself from a relationship that drained me. I will always remember it as one of the deepest relationships of my life, and she remains one of my closest friends. Yet even today I hold myself back from needing anything from this friendship, for fear of the drain sucking my life force away before I notice it.
Now, after a break of some years as I re-enter relationship with the feminine again, I feel a little more aware. We speak of a designed alliance. We have both attended relationship training with Gay and Katie Hendricks. One of the exercises we did was to explore the difference between spaciousness and distance. We would start face to face with each other, and at first play with eye contact. One would seek to make contact, the other would avoid it. This developed into the exploration of moving away from each other – all the way to the other side of the room, and then back again. Again, one would ignore whilst the other supplicated. This was an example of the feelings that come when the relationship is one of vary in distance instead of varying spaciousness. It was interesting to note the feelings of insecurity that came during this exercise. It triggered something deep, where I felt lonely and fearful of not being noticed.
When we kept eye contact and I moved to the other side of the room, the feeling was completely different. No matter how far I went away, I felt there was a commitment that changed it. It wasn’t the commitment she made to me, or vice versa, but the commitment to the exercise itself. Yet it had the effect of making me feel that all was possible. It was exciting to risk moving further away, and fulfilling to come closer.
Do you remember the optical illusion of the two faces in profile looking at each other? Sometimes one notices the features of the faces, and sometimes one notices the shape of the space between them which takes the form of a chalice?
From this exercise I began to realize that the commitment we make is not to each other, but to the relating process itself. And the relating process is an ever changing one, never the same for long! It’s flexing and changing, and the morphing shape of that chalice reflects the quality of the space between us. Sometimes, in more intimate moments, it is smaller yet more intense, and in more spacious moments its presence is more gentle and large.
We have given this entity a name now. And I often ask if it could speak what would it say? When I let the white noise fade away from the day, something is there to be heard. It does have a voice, and it has much to teach me. I sense its gratitude for my intention, and I feel that my relationship now is much better supported as a result of this silent voice being noticed, because it speaks for what it needs to thrive, and we both, as partners, want to know!. It can guide us through the more challenging moments, and celebrate with us when we have survived them.
We shall not have children as a couple, yet I am fully aware that this tender entity is our creation, and represents our creative power as a couple. That doesn’t mean we will have children, as we cannot, yet it remains the source of everything we co-create, and that provides me with an inner richness that I had never noticed before.